"Relax and it will happen"

I have been told many, many times to "relax and it will happen". It always bothered me, but I could never pinpoint exactly why. I realize now that most people say that because they honestly don't know what else to say.

I came across this on a message board and thought the first, second and last reasons related to me the most.

Since my discussion with my friend yesterday, I have been trying to figure out why her telling me to relax bothers me so much when I know she really says it out of love and kindness. I think I have finally come up with some reasons. It's not just because it is an ignorant and worthless thing to say.

It's because:
- It implies I am doing something wrong by being proactive
- It dismisses the emotions and pain that are involved, relaxing is letting go of all my feelings which is impossible
- It ignores that I feel broken and have almost brought this upon myself
- It doesn't acknowledge the physical pain of the things I have been through such as an HSG, IUI's, blood tests etc
- It comes across as her being all knowing because she has acheived the miracle of birth.... twice
- Worst of all it ignores me and what I have been through so far, the 12 AF's(periods) I have cried through, the 12 2ww's(Two Week Wait - 2nd part of a woman's cycle after ovulation) of talking myself into being positive but not letting my hopes get up too high, the countless single pink lines I have seen, my heart skipping a beat after opening a baby shower invitation, desperately trying to look away from a beautiful little girl in the booth next to us at lunch that just wanted to smile at us, etc.

For those reasons, it hurts to hear that I need to relax. Or that I need to stop stressing. In my case, stress doesn't cause infertility, infertility causes stress! I realize infertility is a huge unknown and misconception to most people. No one wants to talk about it, and most don't know anything about it at all. If I could educate people on infertility, I would. But honestly, I don't find myself having the energy to do so. Infertility means so many different things that there's no way I could cover everything to help someone to understand. And quite frankly, unless you've experienced it yourself, you really never will completely understand anyways.

So you're probably asking - ok, well what CAN I do? Well, just like there are so many things I would NOT want to hear, there are also so many things I would LOVE to hear from my family and friends. The following examples are from 2 different letters I found online...

• I need you to be comfortable with me, and then I also will feel more comfortable. Talking about infertility sometimes feels awkward. Are you worried you might say the wrong thing? Share those feelings with me. Ask me if I want to talk. Sometimes I will want to, and sometimes I won't, but it will remind me that you care.

• Listen to what I have to say, but do not judge. Do not belittle my feelings. Do not minimize my experience.

• Do not remind me of all the stories of others you know who "just became pregnant" after giving up. That is not reassuring to me, that is painful for me to hear, and just makes me feel like more of a failure.

• Don't say "You can always adopt!". Would you say that to someone who wasn't infertile? Why should the responsibility of adopting all the children given up by the fertile women in this world be left up to the infertiles? Adoption is a big deal and shouldn't be some kind of consolation prize. We know about that option, and at this point, it isn't for us. Will it be an option later down the road? Who knows. But before it ever could be, we would have to go through a significant amount of mourning for the loss of our own biological child. At present, we still want to try. It's all I can do to keep going from one day to the next. It's all I can do to keep trying, to keep hoping, to keep going.

• Don't try to pretend that everything will be OK.

• Don't try and sell me on fatalism with statements like, "What will be will be." If that were truly the case, what's the point of using medical technology to try to accomplish what nature cannot?

• Your willingness to listen and not judge and not try to 'fix it' can be of tremendously great help. Infertile women feel cut off from other people. They feel completely isolated, judged and alone.

• Your ability to listen and support me in the ways that I need it will help me handle the stress I'm experiencing.

• You can say something like this: I care about you. After reading this letter, I have a better idea about how hard this must be for you. I wish I could help. I'm sorry for what you are going through. I'm here to listen to you and cry with you, if you feel like crying. I'm here to cheer you on when you feel as though there is no hope. You can talk to me. You can trust me. I will not judge you. I will not give you advice, since I have not experienced the struggle you have. I will only listen, I will hold you and hug you. I care.

Encourage me to maintain my sense of humor; guide me to find joys. Celebrate with me my successes, even ones as small as making it through a medical appointment without crying. Remind me that I am more than an infertile person. Help me by sharing your strength.

Eventually I will be beyond the struggle of infertility. I know my infertility will never completely go away because it will change my life. I won't be able to return to the person I was before infertility, but I also will no longer be controlled by this struggle. I will leave the struggle behind me, and from that I will have improved my skills for empathy, patience, resilience, forgiveness, decision-making and self-assessment. I feel grateful that you are trying to ease my journey through this infertility struggle by giving me your understanding.